Marriages Worth Millions Presents:
Nine Principles of Proactive Parenting 
(adapted from Dr. Glenn Latham)

Module Five: The Ability to Establish and Apply
Positive or Negative Consequences for 
Good and Bad Behavior

Both adults and children behave and perform better when the consequences of their behaviors are known. When you ensure that your children clearly understand the consequences of their behaviors, you are in a better position to be in control your own emotions and behavior when dealing with the out-of-control behaviors in your children.

Positive Consequences
In most instances, simply giving your children a hug or a kiss and a verbal acknowledgment of good behavior is all that is needed.

However, appropriate behavior is more likely to occur when it is attached to something they really value. Therefore, if you know your children will need heavy reinforcement for compliance, you can identify things your children really love, and make them available as a result of good behavior.

For example, if Billy really loves bike riding, when he behaves appropriately, he earns the privilege of riding his bike. Think of this principle as “Grandma’s Law: First eat your vegetables, and then you can have ice cream.”

After your children have satisfactorily demonstrated they understand what is expected of them (Module Four), initiate a discussion of positive consequences, as follows:

1. Provide specific praise for the child’s demonstration of understanding expectations:    “Billy, you did really well. You showed me that you know exactly what to do with your     coat.” 
2. Provide example of positive consequence for obedience: 
    “When you hang your coat up, I will put a happy face on this chart.  See, like this:   (shows chart and happy face)." 
3. Tie privilege/positive consequence to complying with the expectation: 
    “With those happy faces, you are going to be able to earn fun things.  When you have
     two happy faces, you’ll earn the privilege of riding your bicycle after school the next
     day.” 
4. Next, teach the children the negative consequences of not doing as they are told:
     “Billy, now that you know what to expect when you hang up your coat,
      here’s what you can expect when you don’t. If you fail to hang up your coat, we will
      put up a frowny face on your sheet.  For every frowny face, you will deny yourself
      the privilege of riding your bike for one day.” 
5. Ask the child to express his understanding of what he can expect when he does
   not meet the expectations: 
     “What will happen, Billy, if you forget to hang up your coat?” 
     (Billy replies:) “I won’t be able to ride my bike one day.” 
6. Praise your child for demonstrating her understanding of the negative consequence.          “Good listening, Billy. That’s correct; you’ll lose the privilege of riding your bike for      one day.”
   
   (Note: the children must understand that THEIR inappropriate behavior is what causes the privilege to be denied. If Billy leaves his coat on the floor, he has denied himself the valuable privilege. You as the parent did not do the denying. You have already demonstrated that you are ready and eager to give the child whatever he has earned, good or bad.) 
7. 
   Stick to your plan. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by arguments, reason, or the child’s emotions.  Show empathy and understanding, but follow through as you have discussed, and leave it at that. For example, Billy’s mom could say, “I’m sorry you lost the privilege of riding your bike.  Hopefully, you’ll have earned that privilege by tomorrow.”

UP NEXT: Module Six-The Ability to Attend to Inappropriate Behavior Unemotionally, Precisely, Directly, and Instructively